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buemma07
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Name: Emily
Location: Austin, Texas, United States
Birthday: 1/5/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: First and foremost my JESUS! Also, random things like cooking, garage-saling, music, thunderstorms, religion, the news, beaches and lakes, chocolate, piano, flea market, art, scrapbooking, gelatto, ice cream, coffee, playing in the rain, volleyball, trips with friends, spreading the word through missions, running and exercising, dancing like no one is watching, singing, music, getting to know the in's and out's of Waco, reading, writing, arithmatic (wait, scratch the math). Etc, etc, etc.
Expertise: dancing, singing, my closest friends say i have perfected the female "man voice," baking (I'm better than Betty), 15-passenger van driving skills thanks to the YMCA job, persuading alumni to give money to Baylor thanks to the call center job, interior design skills thanks to the ex-major, handwriting skills, jewelry and shoe-shopping skills, sudoku expert and excellent at finding bargains and making a bazillion different crazy faces. I've got goofyness down to a science...or maybe more of an abstract art.
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  Emmalee356
MSN: emmalilly
Member Since:
7/17/2005
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| There is one adjective for me right now but I am too proud to say it upfront. Everyone feels this way at some point. It's a state. It's a mindset. Probably a mind curse that feeds on itself and grows bigger when dwelled on. It comes and goes. It happens when there is a lot going on and it happens in solitude. When you tell people about it, you just get a sympathetic "Aw." And who really wants that?
It's a feeling. An emotion. A weighty thing that starts to depress and consume. It's part not feeling like you belong, part feeling like you are always on the outside looking in, part self-absorption and pity party I am sure. It's part...not feeling whole.
Ok fine. If you haven't guessed it yet...the word is LONELY. Yup, it's true. And it's been happening more frequently than it had been (since it's kinda been a running life theme of mine). I am compelled to write about it b/c it's chipping away at my happiness during this season of warmth and togetherness. And I don't like that. This is my favorite time of year.
Part of me is filled with joy and belonging...like today when I laughed with my podmate at work and gave him my best stabs when he asked for relationship advice. When I got a compliment on my outfit and another on my cooking. When my roommates affirmed that I am creative and thoughtful and fun when I gave them their Christmas presents (necklace and earring sets I made). When they laughed at my wise cracks. When the girl I mentor gives me a big hug and a smile.
But I miss the sort of "belonging" that comes from the opposite sex. I miss going on dates and even just flirting with guys. It's been too long since my last kiss. Way too long. Where is the fun in life and why am I not in on it? Why do I find myself alone so much? Is it just Waco slowly sucking the life out of me? Why is it so hard to make guy friends much less find a boy to date. I really don't think I will find someone to date here. And I am not even being super picky at this point. And the one prospect I had is just fading further into the distance...probably farther from me and closer to some other girl. So what's the point in reaching out. I can't make all the effort here. And I refuse to, despite my strong desire to pursue out of this feeling of loneliness.
Grrrr! I hate coming home to have no one to hang out with. I am starting to have trouble enjoying other people's stories b/c I am too envious of them. Not sure how to get out of this rut really...I can't seem to train my thoughts away from this subject.
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| Today I am thankful for roommates! Why?
For friendship. Split bills. Cooking and baking together. The warmth of laughs and smiles to come home to. People to whom I can spill my day.
Roommates to go to church with and meet other people through. To relax and watch TV with to unwind from the workday. To deal with the problems of an old house, three is better so that when we call the real estate agency over and over, it's not always the same voice on the complaining end. 3 heads simply being better than one.
Having people in my life so it takes the focus off of me keeps me less self-centered. That's good too.
So in this season of thanks, I am grateful for Allison and Rachel, my roomies at 2210! May we enjoy each other's company before Allison moves out and gets married in January!
***oh, speaking of...I am singing at her wedding and this is the song, just in case any of you are curious....http://wisdommoon.com/2008/07/07/how-he-loves-us-kim-walker-jesus-culture/
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| "The Lord your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with his love,
He will rejoice over you with singing."
*Zephaniah 3:17*
Sometimes I just need to know that God DELIGHTS in me. That even in all the ways I don't measure up, he still finds favor with me. The creator never stops adoring the workmanship of his own hands. I guess it's like a mother's relentless loving of her child. Like a potter always finding beauty in the formations of clay. The way it feels under his hands. Like the sky's continual beckoning of the sunset and sunrise.
I love to think that God sings. Would he be a bass? For sure, right? At times, a rumbling forte. Then a pianissimo. A peppy sonatina. Whatever song I need in the moment. Strong, melodic, powerful yet gentle. As much as singing means to me, that's just a cool thought - that the God of all would take the time to "rejoice" over me in that way. I wonder what the tune is today. What words he composes for his song to me. I want to allow him the time to quiet me with his love. To just stop with all the anxiety, stress, preoccupation with life's challenges...and just...bask.
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| Just saw 27 Dresses (again...3rd time). I seem to have struck a chord with Katheryn Heigl ("Tess") in some respects. Not going to go into lavish detail...but during the movie, multiple people point out to Tess that she never says NO to people and that it causes her to neglect her own needs and hide behind others and being so involved/busy with their cares. I'm a person that likes to make sure others needs are met before my own. And when it comes to family members, I value them above myself. My sisters ESPECIALLY! I pretty much adore them both. Predictably, being the oldest of the three of us, I have a certain protective factor engraved into my character that finds me continually paving their way out of painful or uncomfortable situations. It has often led to compromises of sorts. Not seeing eye to eye. Being too uptight. Not telling them things I don't think they are mature enough to hear. Not saying how I really feel. But good Lord, I can't imagine life with out them! Anyway, it's been a family weekend...a new member was introduced on Oct. 14 - Camden Coy Pearson, my 2nd cousin and cute as a button! I held him today and couldn't help but grin the whole time. Thank God for an imperfect, yet close-knit group of kin! p.s. I have only been in ONE bridesmaid dress and am NOWHERE close to being a bride! | | |
| Who am I? Seems to be a silly question to be asking yourself at 23 years of age. You'd think I would have it all figured out by now. That's what college is for...finding yourself as they say. True. But honestly, it that really such a bad question to ask yourself periodically? I don't think it is.
I've come to embrace questions. I know I've always loved to ask questions to other people. I am just generally so interested in other people. But beyond the shallow stuff, I like to know where they've been, what their struggles are, what brings them joy, what hurts them, what they aspire to be, their favorite color and why, etc...I want to know anything they'll tell me. (That is unless I find them annoying and overly self-centered, of course.) I'll ask questions to people I hardly know that well...kinda just expecting an answer of some sort. On occasion, I get the look. Ya know, the "wow, I barely even know her...I don't usually talk about this kind of stuff this fast." I am curious George(ette). Haha AND i LOVE bananas too! How uncanny.
Now when it comes to ME. Asking questions pertaining to myself...well that's a different story. Possibly because I don't find myself that interesting...or because I think I know myself too well to explore the depths. The hardest part is not being afraid to acknowledge that there are questions within me that drive who I am, that cause me to act in certain ways. Bringing these thoughts (that fuel my actions) to the light means I have deal with them. Because like many people, I want answers. Why am I single still? Why do I not find myself that interesting? Where is my self-confidence today? Why do I feel torn between being two people? What are my political beliefs? Why do I spend so much money on material things that don't matter? Why do some people get to have it all? What's the deal with injustice? How much of the consequences are because of my actions versus outside forces? Why do I not see full-fledged miracles like in biblical times? When will this or that finally happen and how long do I have to wait? Am I waiting because I am not being active, or am I waiting because I need to be waiting? Too many unanswered questions can lead you into a wishy-washy muck.
So...how about a few more then? Haha, here goes...What is the perfect job for me? Do I want to/CAN I go back to school? I want a change, but what change will it be? Will it occur naturally, as in something dramatic will just "happen" or will it be something I myself CHOOSE. A self-propelled choice. It's amazing how many choices I make giving little thought to them. Which shoes go best with this outfit. What will I do today. What gas station will I stop at. Which loaf of bread will i buy. Who will my friends be. Will I do cardio or lift weights. To work out or not to work out. But when it comes to the "big stuff" I feel like I have no background in choice-making. Anyone just feel overwhelmed by life's unending options?? I really am grateful to have a life of opportunity...but sometimes you just wish there weren't 20 trillion different kinds of toilet paper to choose from at the grocery store. Just give me something that will get the job done!!
Lately I've been wanting to reach out to people who have been slowly fading into my past. But I've come across a few barriers. Some of these people are no longer single and I don't feel that I can do thoughtful things for them considering our past and what their current partner will think. Not that that isn't worth questioning...but I just hate to see good things dissipate. Others of these dating people have found that all their needs are met already and they have no room for me in their lives. I'm bursting forth with words and thoughts that need to be processed, but they see it as a burden b/c they have nothing left to share with me. Other friends I have let slide for a reason. Not sure whether it's good or bad, but I know it had at least something to do with me.
Real relationships just aren't worth tossing out the window in the name of time or distance or not being sure if they care so assuming they do not. The thought that you're cruising through life having fun and there will be more of these awesome friends along the way just isn't so accurate. Not stopping to reminisce, to catch up, take a pit stop persay...leads to even more miles between you. How sad, really.
Baylor homecoming is right around the corner (Halloween weekend!) and I'm wondering who I will see, what they've done with their lives, what they will think of what I've done with mine. There are some people I am praying I don't have to run into...yet I know that it will happen. I have a lot of fond memories of Baylor and I'm hoping I will be able to revisit those memories through old friends/acquaintances. I haven't been on Baylor's campus in soooo long. Even though I live here in Waco. It's different being a non-college young adult in a college town. I should pay those 'ol bears a visit! p.s. friends, if you are ever in Waco and want to hang out please contact me!!! I'm gettin' pretty darn familiar with this place. Too familiar.
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